The Midnight News 7.25.01 

Posted By Hyatte on 07.25.01

Numbers, Teasers, Hogan, Piper, Honky, Hak, More Naked Girls, The Smarks, Bischoff, Meltzer, Scherer, Jobs, Canada... oh God, it's a MONSTER column 

Hiya kids.

Well, jam packed news column today.... I got lots of stuff that you NEED TO KNOW!!!! YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS!!! YOU WILL DIE WITHOUT THIS INBFORMATION!!! NOT A SCAM!!! NOT A HOAX!! YOU WILL PASS AWAY AND DIE LIKE A SCAIA AFTER TOO MUCH ASS PLAY!!!!

Yes, your life DEPENDS on this news column.

First, a few postscripts....

1) 6 hours. By my estimations, it took wrestling vixxxens 6 hours after I posted a membership password to kill the code. I hope as many folks as possible got to savor the goods. The good news... I just got ANOTHER password to ANOTHER nudie site and the man told me right out to share the wealth with it... so get ready.

2) Because MSN now officially SUCKS for me... I am now going to have to drop that account and hook up with another Internet company. Probably AOL because it's so easy.... it's GAY... but it's simple to work. Until then, I am now doing my mail at a hotmail account. It's all programmed into my name icon at the bottom of this column.... so I can now answer the mail again.

3) Look, I appreciate the kindness.... but I do NOT want any new "No, this will REALLY work" Pop-Up killer programs! I'm still on a phone line, so every pop-up killing program first identifies the pop-up then blasts it... add that to the fact that my modem is still processing the new information coming in and putting it on my screen, and we're talking a long wait between pages. When I press "alt" and "f4", the pop-up goes away THE MOMENT IT SHOWS UP!!! For me, it is the fastest way to get rid of these things and get to the page. If you don't like it, F-off. It works for me.

Okay.... let's get to work...

WHO WATCHED THIS CRAP??

Because the universe revolves around them.... we got our Raw numbers as quickly as humanly possible... 

It BUSTED right back into the 5's with a 5.4 rating for the night.

The first hour cranked out a 4.9.... and they just grew and grew steadily all night, topping out to a whopping 6.0 in the overrun. 

I think the WWF has stopped panicking. This is a great number to level off with for a while as we see whether general wrestling interest continues to slip or if it starts to grow.

Of course, everyone had these... but I tend to use The Torch to get these facts.

ARE YOU GONNA WATCH THIS CRAP?

You know what is the single most IMPORTANT WRESTLING SITE ON THE INTERNET?????

411, of course. Except for Wednesdays. On Wednesdays, the most important site to visit is
RajahWWF. 

Why? Because these guys get Smackdown results posted AS IT HAPPENS!! Thus, the Net knows what'll happen on Thursday before Wednesday. That's all sorts of cool for the loser mark in all of us.

So.... what's going to happen on Thursday night? Well, I'll stroke your helmet a little but won't bring you to climax...

-We meet the "Golden Alliance"

-We have TWO new champions

-The impossible happens and Kanyon starts to actually get OVER!!

-The Big SHOW and Billy GUNN finally name their team.

-Guess who is announced to show up on Raw next week?

-Perry Saturn finally gets some sort of storyline.

-RVD and Kanyon vs Jericho and Tajiri. 

-DDP vs Kane

-AJ Benza vs Stuttering John. (Was that great radio or WHAT? It almost made me forget to miss Jackie)

I'll take a stab at guessing and say that you'll like the wrestling, but not enjoy the scriptwork all that much.

HOW IS HE GOING TO PUT NOBODY OVER NOW??

Aww, horrible, tragic news.... Hulk Hogan's plan to start a new wrestling company with Universal has apparently flamed out. Hogan blames Vince McMahon (it's a safe bet that Hogan will blame McMahon for just about EVERYTHING from now until the day he dies.... next week, Hogan accuses Vince of getting the AIDS Virus going).

Well, technically, Hogan blames the low numbers that the WWF TV shows have been doing. He says that no one wants to risk a new company today.

So, Hogan will focus on doing TV shows, like Baywatch (uhh, Terry?) and that recurring role in the new Enterprise show. (I bet he plays a younger version that Gardner at Starfleet Academy that Picard was gay for on The Next Gen). Hogan may start something again in 6 months.

I say, Hogan will have a farewell tour of the WWF starting at the end of the year. Just a hunch.

RF Video rebounds from yesterday's embarrassing "RVD's stock has risen!" comment and posted this.

WHO FORGOT TO TELL PIPER?

Meanwhile, Roddy Piper was busy promoting Hogan's upcoming company that won't happen. Nice to see Hulk still CARES about someone other than himself.

Piper did a local radio show in his hometown of Portland, Oregon. This is n not the first time I recapped Piper on this show, so it must be a semi-regular thing...

1Bob posted this.

-Off the bat, Piper confirmed that he is in DEEP TALKS with Hogan about this new company. He swears it will combine Old School experience with Young Blood enthusiasm! There are a lot of WWF contracted wrestlers who aren't given a chance to shine and this will be PERFECT for them. He said, "LOOK OUT VINCE!!!! WE ARE GOING TO DESTROY YOUR COMPANY!!!!"

-Piper also said that Randy Savage's possible wrestling group has contacted him for work. He swears it will combine Old School experience with Young Blood enthusiasm! There are a lot of WWF contracted wrestlers who aren't given a chance to shine and this will be PERFECT for them. He said, "LOOK OUT VINCE!!!! WE ARE GOING TO DESTROY YOUR COMPANY!!!!"

-Roddy thinks that once the Rock's movie career takes off, he'll leave the WWF after having a "disagreement" with Vince. (I agree... Rocky is being hailed as the "only true action star left in Hollywood". Get used to this fact, folks.... the Rock will be GONE as soon as he can get out.)

-Piper eulogized the passing of Terry Gordy... and found a way to blame Vince for his death. (Christ.... these old guys are so BITTER)

-Piper has thoughts on Invasion.... it's not working because McMahon hasn't been the same since HE left the company.

It's getting harder and harder to remember when I actually marked for Hot Rod. I think another reading of And Another Thing: The Coconut That Changed Everything is in order...

Oh yeah... THAT'S why I liked him.... wow, good column!

MR SANDMAN.. (YES?)... BRING ME AN INDY CARD!

Just because a legend like Hulk Hogan can't make a new company go does NOT mean that EVERYONE shouldn't try!

Enter: Sandman. yes, the former "Hak" is going to start a promotion of his very own. The kick off is on August 11th at the ECW Arena and they have a string of cards booked for the end of September. They are working on signing some big name talent, but already have a respectable line-up of ECW and WCW cast-offs... 

Sabu, Bill Alfonso, Curt Henning, Public Enemy, Dawn Marie, Simon Diamond, Road Kill, Chris Chetti, Danny Doring, Blue Meanie, Jasmin St. Claire, Mikey Whipwreck, Steve Corino, Little Guido, Tony Mamaluke, Crowbar, Joey Matthews, Christian York and Jack Victory are all set to be a part of it.

Not only did RF Video report this, but they'll also be selling the tapes.

What the hell... good luck to him. Just because the WWF isn't interested in a wrestler does not mean he/she shouldn't get to work.... you know?

TAKE US NOWHERE NEAR HOME, HONKY

You know I do this at the end, usually. But seeing how the news is SO F-ING PACKED this week... I'm putting it here.

Instead of talking to ME... after all the press I give the jackoff, the Honky Tonk Man did a radio show and talked about a lot of things.... 1bob handled this posting.

-On Bagwell, HTM said that when dealing with men like Vince McMahon and Pat Patterson, one really should NOT involve one's MOMMA into the negotiations. Even IF she's your agent.

-Honky feels Lawler's big mistake was trying to force the WWF to bring back his Wife. He says that he has heat with Lawler because Honky told Lawler that any comments made about him online were just "business", not personal. Lawler turned around and posted that Honky admitted that all statements he made are " a work". (Jeeze.... are all hillbillies so PETTY?)

-HTM says that the Dynamite Kid once broke the jaw of Jacques Rougeau. He said that the DK was a real tough guy who's idea of "ribbing" people was to do things like cutting up people's clothes, throwing people's bags away, and spiking wrestlers' coffee with sleeping pills. Swears that once the Kid was fired, the WWF Locker room was a MUCH better place.

-Claims to have broke the story about Gordy dying. (It's between him an 1wrestling)

-He didn't want to be in the gimmick battle royal at Wrestlemania X-7 because there was no real money involved. He enjoyed working in the Royal Rumble because it presented him as a more active wrestler.

-HTM thinks that too many promoters are just "marks" for the business. Says that a promoter paid $3000 apiece to Lawler, his wife, and his son for an appearance that only drew 200 people.

-Now THIS, I didn't know.... HTM says that he got the IC belt in 1987 after Butch "The Natural" Reed disappeared from the WWF without warning. Reed was supposed to get the belt. Ricky Steamboat actually WANTED to lose the belt because he didn't want to work the busy schedule that the IC champ is asked to do.... says that Hogan told Vince to put the belt on Honky. Honky even said that if he didn't draw, he'll work for free. He says that Hogan and he have been friends since 1977.

-He confirmed that he did indeed faxed the WWF and told them that he would do color commentary for free so long as they don't re-hire Lawler (I SAY DO IT!!! DO IT!!! HONKY WOULD RULE!!!!!!!)

-I also did not know that Bad News Brown AND Ted DiBiase were scheduled to be WWF champs. Honky isn't sure why Brown never got the belt, but DiBiase was all set to win at Wrestlemania 4 and Randy Savage was supposed to win the IC strap from him on the same card. He refused to job the belt to Savage so they re-arranged the plan. Says that DiBiase is STILL pissed at him for this power play.

-Says that he didn't want to lose the strap because at the time, he and Andre were the two biggest heels in the WWF. Plus, Ted Turner had just bought WCW and Jim Crockett was telling HTM not to lose the belt or his value would go down (they were in talks about jumping companies). By the time Crockett got back to HTM, he had already re-signed with Vince McMahon. Says that Vince never trusted Honky again after this episode.

-He says that this Hogan promotion would have been nothing but an "attraction" that would have given young guys the experience of working in front of a large crowd. He doesn't think the company would threaten McMahon at all.

-He finished by saying that a huge wrestling superstar is supplying Randy Savage with Viagra.

There you go. 

MORE FREE CHOOCH

What the Hell, let's do this one now....

"I have a membership with Net Video Girls.com and I felt that I should pass on the fun to you and the readers. Anyway, enjoy!"
Member Name is: ShawnLA. 

The password is tompetty. 

I swear... I have the best F-ing readers in the world. I really couldn't ask for a cooler audience. You guys RULE!!!! 

HYATTE WINS ANOTHER WAR!!!

Well, there goes MY syndie deal...

Scott Keith just announced that
The Smarks will shut down for good on August 7th. He says that the reasons are mostly financial.... the site is too damn big and too damn expensive for him to run without turning a profit, and he does NOT want to pull a "Ryder" and assault the readers with pop-ups.

Someone asked me if he was telling the truth. I say yes he was. No company is touching wrestling web sites and very few of us have the wealth to keep these things going once they explode. 

So, Keith is shutting it down. Oh well....

Actually, it's GREAT!! You see, now 411 is poised to be the BIGGEST NON-CORPORATE, TRULY INDEPENDENT WRESTLING SITE ON THE WEB!!! NO NEWSLETTERS!! NO (or just a few)POP-UPS!! NO WORRYING ABOUT PISSING PEOPLE OFF AND LOSING FUNDING!!!! JUST PURE OPINIONS, NEWS, AND THE MIGHTY F-ING HYATTE!!!! I WILL RULE!!!!!

I had a LOOONG talk with Widro.... he says A: neither he or Ashish have any plans on shutting 411 down and B: He is FINALLY going to start revamping the site... so this silly ass "atari" design will soon be a thing of the past.

411 baby!! WAYYY better than those homos at Wrestleline. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

Oh yeah, and at least ONE smarksreader knows the truth...

"the only winner in the Smarks shutdown is Chris Hyatte because of his past feud with Sean Shannon takes prescedence over CRZ and Scott's Hedda Hopper/Louella Parsons type feud."

See what happens when you F**k with me? It takes a while, but they ALL go down.

Eh... actually, I never had much problems with SK. He didn't read my work and I didn't read his. He didn't respect me and I didn't respect him, we got along great.

WITNESS FOR THE PROSTITUTION

Well, Eric Bischoff took the stand yesterday during the Gold Club trial and told his side. From what I gather, Kato Kailen was more forthcoming during the OJ trial.

Jana Penis... I mean PELNIS was on the stand first, and she tried like Hell to cover for her Boss. (She must have watched The Sopranos this season and gotten very, very afraid)

Mostly, Pelnis used the phrase "I can't remember" and did that thing ALL dopey chicks do... she cried. I hope they rape her, hang her, then rape her corpse.

Then, Eric took the stand. He says that he and another professional wrestler (I hope to GOD he didn't phrase it like that.... as if to say HE was a professional wrestler.... I bet he did.... creep) went into the VIP room at the Club ONCE (your ASS), and both received "sexual favors". He didn't name the wrestler, but it's already reported that KEVIN NASH is involved in this thing.

On another occasion he stated that he went into the VIP room with his Wife. Pelnis and his wife messed around a little, then they did go to a Hotel room.

This is where Uncle Eric started to sweat, because then he claimed to have been loaded on 20 drinks and everything that happened "was a bit of a blur"... he says he THINKS he watched his wife and Pelnis get it on in the hotel room. (Yeah, you FORGET things like that.... if I drank a gallon of grain alcohol I'd STILL remember seeing this).

Janis ain't no cheap ho.... Eric claims that his Wife paid her $200 for the tryst, and the Club owner paid her an additional $800. Bischoff tried to imply that the money paid was NOT for the sex.... 

Man.... this makes me remember how much I hated Eric Bischoff.

I pulled this off NO wrestling site! (That cannot be good grammar). Instead, Bryce McNeil sent me the story pulled from
here. 

WEB WEASELS REACT!!!

I thought you'd like this little supplement to this Bischoff story....

First, Meltzer accidentally revealed his hatred towards all women and his lack of a sex life by letting the little Freudian slip out of him when he reported... 

"Eric Bischoff testified this morning in the Gold Club case. He was very vague talking about the testimony yesterday where Jana Pelnis, a cancer claimed a tryst with Bischoff's wife, although said he thought it had happened saying it was something of a blur because they had all been drinking."

Of course, Dave soon changed "cancer" to "dancer".

Heh.... angry man.

Thanks to Dan S for catching this.

Then, there was Scherer, who registered HIS outrage by saying:

"I am sure you have all seen that former WCW president Eric Bischoff is all over the news in the Gold Club trial down in Atlanta. I find it kind of sad that someone could not be a party to an illegal act, but has his personal life blasted throughout the media." 

I read and re-read the thing.... what is Dave TALKING about? SHOULD we talk about this? Is the MEDIA wrong? Is BISCHOFF wrong?

And why Is Scherer so high and mighty about this? What's HE hiding?

WELL... Chris Adams has a theory...

"Hyatte, Now why would Scherer call a virus that only copies all the files from 'My Documents' and sends them to everyone in his address book and contacts list the worst he's ever seen? What is he hiding? I'll let you come up with your own conclusions cough-PORN-cough. Excuse me. "

Hmmmm? Very interesting. Not a bit confirmed or alleged.... but interesting.

And no... I doubt it was THAT Chris Adams... I think it was another one.

HOT BOYS AND THE WRESTLING WRITERS WHO LOVE THEM

Actually... I have to save THIS shocking story for tomorrow. Today's news is just THAT packed. It would have made a GREAT companion piece to the above story, but I just don’t have the room. So we'll hit this tomorrow.

HIRE ME, VINCE

Want to work for the WWF? Yet you can't wrestle for shit?

Well, that never stopped Midean, now did it? HAW!!!

But seriously, folks.... the WWF IS looking for employees in the following areas:

Buyer
Corporate Purchasing Manager
Accountant
Project Manager, Creative Services
Marketing Representative / Live Events
Traffic Assistant
Investor Relations Manager
Sales Assistant
Producer
Production Assistant
Internet Shill (may be taken)

Send yer resumes off to:

WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION ENTERTAINMENT, INC.
Human Resources
1241 East Main St. Stamford, CT 06902
Email: resume@wwfent.com
Fax (203) 359-5151
Subject: CPM/M.F.
Equal Opportunity Employer M/F/D/V CT

For a complete rundown of all the job requirements,
click here 

BUT, PLUGS

None to give.... nothing new went up today. Thank GOD, too... I'm getting tired.

Ahhh.... there's always the 411 Newsboard updated ALL the time.... morning, noon, and night.... constantly. The very best in the business. I inspire my men to do this, with rewards. Widro's so damn prolific I gave him 13 blowjobs already. Josh Nason runs second... he's gotten 5. 

Okay... it's been a long column... so let's wrap up with something to make EVERYONE happy...

CANADA VS THE AMERI-F-ING-CA

During my big war with Canada a couple of weeks ago, reader John Murray sent me this. I truly feel it completely encapsulates the beauty of American arrogance, and our total audacity. Canadians will laugh, and Americans will say "HELL YEAH!!!"

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval
operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

AMERICANS: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."

CANADIANS: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

AMERICANS: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

CANADIANS: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

AMERICANS: "This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."

CANADIANS: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

HELL YEAH!!!! WE WILL HAVE A PISSING CONTEST AGAINST ANYTHING!!!!

I hope to God you've had enough.... because I sure did.

This is Hyatte